I Should've Known This Was A Bad Idea
by BJ111
Summary: Booth and Brennan are watching TV together, and Brennan is not particularly enjoying it. Drunk!Brennan fic :D And it probably classifies as a crack!fic as well.. Oneshot.


**Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters**

It was a normal night. Kind of. I was sitting on my couch with a bottle of beer in my hand, the crate where it had come from on the floor next to the coffee table. As usual, I was fully concentrated on the basketball game being played on the screen in front of me. The woman next to me wasn't. I glanced her way for the first time that evening when the commercials started and noticed that Brennan was slumped against the armrest, clearly bored.

"Bones?"

She sat up and turned her head around.

"So, _now_ you're talking to me?" She sounded a little angry.

"Yeah, the.." I gestured to the general direction of the TV "commercials are on."

Her eyes flickered towards the screen briefly, which was at that moment displaying a Wal-mart advertisement.

"So, what do you think of the game?" I asked. The moment I met her eyes and saw them narrow I knew I shouldn't have. First of all, I was the one who'd forced her to watch it. Second, I had already concluded what her opinion was and she knew it.

"I'm going to take that as a rhetorical question," she said icily, then turned back towards the screen and feigned interest in the commercial.

I wasn't going to give up that easily, though.

"It's more fun if you pick a team and hope it'll win, you know."

She stubbornly kept staring at the TV for a moment, then turned back towards me.

"How can I pick a team if I don't even know the teams? That would be irrational."

I sighed. "Just, I don't know, go with your instinct."

Her eyes narrowed further at my last word. "It would be far more logical to pick the team that has the most potential. I just have no idea which one that is."

"All you have to do is look at the score.."

She sighed, frustrated. "Fine."

"I'm sure you'll like it better now," I said, forcing a smile. I should've known this whole evening was a bad idea.

She glared at me one last time and finally seemed to realize that I really wasn't going to let her out of here until the end.

The game continued, again absorbing all my attention. I didn't notice Brennan picking up another bottle of beer. And another one. And another one. She deliberately picked the most exciting moments of the game to go to the kitchen to find some more alcohol. I only realized what she'd been doing when I reached for a new beer bottle myself and found it empty. I grabbed another one. Also empty. Confused, I tore my eyes away from the screen and looked at the crate. They were all empty.

"Bones?" I asked after I had reached the most logical conclusion, not yet daring to look her way.

"Yehh?"

Oh god. "How many bottles have you drunk?"

"Jus' a couple."

I finally mustered the courage to turn my head.

"A couple what? Dozen?"

Brennan was lying on the couch, one arm dangling over the backrest, the other one almost touching the floor, a practically empty vodka bottle in her hand. When she saw my expression, she grinned and lifted the bottle to her lips, disappointed when she noticed there were only a few drops left.

"Oh-oh. You're out of booze, Booth!" She pouted, then laughed. "Tha's almost the same words. Booze, Booth." The way she pronounced it, it really did sound the same.

She pulled herself up into a sitting position and leaned in to me.

"Are you booze?" she slurred, her face far too close to mine.

I gulped. "I'm not, Bones. I'm pretty sure I'm not drinkable."

She seemed to consider this for a moment.

"Well. Then I'll jus' eat you." She shrugged and attacked my lips with hers.

I don't know what happened next. Maybe it took a few seconds for coherent thought to return, maybe it took hours. The only thing I do know is that when I finally realized what was happening, Brennan was lying beneath me with most of the buttons on her blouse opened. _I shouldn't be doing this. Not like this, not while she's drunk-_ My hands continued opening buttons-_ I shouldn't be doing this _at all_. She's my partner, my _drunk_partner, who will kill me when she finds out about this.._

I pulled back abruptly and looked at her. She was obviously not very aware of what exactly she'd just done, and still very giggly.

"You flipped us around!" She laughed. "Now I'm gonna flip you.." She grabbed my waist and shifted her weight. Normally I would've been able to stop her, or I could've at least resisted a little more, but dazed as I was, nothing stopped Brennan from making us both land on the floor with a loud thud.

"Ouch! Shit, Bones, my back!"

Landing with her weight on top of me had just been to much for whatever complicated back condition I had.

She grinned again and rolled off of me.

"Oopsie."

This time it was me glaring at her. She flinched and got up, concerned.

"Did I hurt my Booziewoozie?"

I groaned. I thought I knew how Brennan was when drunk, but clearly I'd never seen her with this much alcohol in her blood.

"Just, please, get some help, okay?" I said through grinded teeth.

She looked at me for another moment, then fumbled to get her phone out of her pocket and pressed a speed dial button. I frowned. She had a doctor on speed dial?

"Haaaaaaaaai Angie." She said cheerily after a couple of seconds.

I groaned again. "Bones, not Angela! A doctor!"

She ignored me.

"Boozie's back hurts and he asked me to call for help."

I heard someone talking on the other end of the line, unfortunately too far away to understand.

"Tha's what I said: Booze. Booziewoozie."

This time it wasn't hard to understand Angela. A loud laugh was coming from the phone, making me wish I could kill myself.

"Why're you laughing, Angie?" She sounded genuinely confused.

"Can you come 'ere to help Booze?"

Oh no. No no no no. I had to do something.

"ANGELA?" I yelled towards the phone, "GO BACK TO SLEEP OR WHATEVER YOU WERE DOING. WE'RE FINE HERE, REALLY!"

Brennan turned towards me, annoyed. "Shh, Boozieschmoozie! I'm on the phone." She pointed towards the phone several times, like I wouldn't understand it otherwise.

"WE'RE DOING FINE!" I yelled again. No way I would let Angela get over here and see us like this.

I'd let my head fall back against the floor when suddenly Brennan appeared above me, looking very angry. "Don't you know i's not plite to talk when others are on the phone?" she said seriously.

"Just, gimme that phone." I said, trying to grab it. She quickly lifted her arm a little higher, the phone out of my reach.

"ANGELA!" I was starting to get desperate. If Angela came over, she would never let me live this down. I tried to get up, but a new stab of kept me on the floor. Brennan didn't look like she cared very much and suddenly left into the hallway, leaving me afraid of what was coming next.

When she entered again she was holding her scarf in her hand. Oh god. Like I'd seen her doing to murder suspects she'd just chased down, she placed her foot on my neck and before I knew it, she'd gagged me with the scarf. Satisfied, she got up and smirked.

"Now you'll be quiet." She picked up the phone again and resumed her conversation with Angela.

"NGLH! GHNS!" Ugh. This was useless. I almost gave up, when I realized my drunk partner had forgot to remember one detail: my hands were still free. Slowly, hoping she wouldn't notice, I raised my arms behind my head and started working on the knot. It took me a little over a minute to finally get it loosened and I tossed the scarf aside. I sucked in a few breaths through my mouth, relieved. That was, until I looked around and found Brennan looking at me angrily from across the room.

I knocked on the door to Booth's apartment less than fifteen minutes after I'd gotten of the phone with Brennan, even though it normally would've taken me over twenty to get there. She opened almost immediately, possibly looking even drunker than she'd sounded.

"Sweetie, what happened?" I asked, stepping inside of the apartment.

She giggled. "Well, we w're watchin zis very boooooring basketball game," she said, emphasizing the 'boring', "an' I drank a little, and suddenly Booze and me were.. howdyacallit.. _making out_ and he flipped me an' I flipped him an' then he was in pain an' he asked me to get help an' I called you an' here y'are!" She smiled broadly.

"NNNGGH!"

"Uhm, what was that noise?" I asked, concerned. That had _not _sounded natural.

"Oh, tha's just Booziepoozie. He was a lil uncoprative, so I had to tie 'm down."

My mouth fell open. _This _I had to see. I walked into the living room, scanning it several times before noticing Booth lying on the floor, gagged, hands and feet tied together.

I'm sorry Booth, for traumatizing you even further. There was just no way I could've restrained myself from bursting out laughing at that sight.


End file.
